#008: Softness

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the shift

Fun disclosure: I’m writing this newsletter the day before I publish. If you asked me just a couple of days ago, I would've said "Nope, no newsletter this week. Too much stuff going on."

It's so easy to skip it, too. No one would give me a hard time about missing a totally self-imposed deadline. There’s a good chance most of you wouldn't notice.

Even as I write this raw, I'm still not convinced I'll publish tomorrow, but there's something that's at least pushing me to try.

It's an opportunity to… soften.

Without intending to, I've set certain parameters for myself to write.

I like to spread out my writing sessions over a week. Over time though, the "like" has hardened into "have to."

I start with a bulleted draft. Then, with a fresh set of eyes, I edit, clip all of my indulgences, rewrite most of it, tighten, etc, etc. Then, another set of fresh eyes is needed to brainstorm illustrations that could work. Finally, another look to refine and illustrate. Send day, I proofread and make more cuts.

This takes time, and I do it because I obviously care about the finished product. Perfection doesn't exist, but I tell myself that if I'm gonna do it, I want it to be my best.

So this rhythm is comfortable because it's been done before. It feels safe.

It's likely you also do this for things you care about. Maybe it's a creative pursuit or a habit you're aiming to strengthen.

There's a ritual.

If you don't follow the ritual, the action becomes much more difficult. If it's a creative thing that's "public," it can feel risky when you go rogue. At the very least, you risk disappointing yourself.

We set up these types of rigid guardrails for personal pursuits, too. For example, if you're going on a run after a bad night of sleep, maybe you skip it because it won’t be a “good” run.

This is when personal development lore will extol the importance of “powering through.” Building your self-will. The concept of self-discipline will likely make its way in there.

For some, it works.

My brain typically shuts off and says, "Sorry, don't care."

It's an interesting conundrum because I actually do care – about the thing I want to do.

That could be the problem. I care too much.

In situations where I care a lot, all of this emphasis on "just doing it" can feel like flooring a car while I’ve got the parking brake on. Yes, technically, it works, but when that becomes the default way of driving, it drains your energy on multiple levels.

So if it’s not "kicking yourself into high gear,” what’s the key to moving forward?

I honestly think it’s self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness goes deeper than self-discipline. It’s unconditional, liberating your sense of self-love and acceptance from the actions you take or don’t take.

Forgiving yourself allows you to feel spaciousness and ease regardless of what's happening on the outside. It transforms your inner state, the only thing you’re capable of experiencing.

When you make it a habit to forgive yourself (and for the outcome you're afraid will unfold), you are telling your brain and your nervous system that, no matter what, it's safe in there.

And it is.

Feeling genuinely safe to try and fail at any endeavor (creative, physical, mental, professional) is the first step to a progression of incredible developments:

You gradually experience a bit more ease with every step you take. What was burdened with mental resistance becomes less so. What’s increasingly sustainable becomes lighter and freer.

Self-limiting narratives fade. Maybe you don’t need a week to write something. Maybe you do. Maybe your run is the worst one so far, but it puts you in the best mood. Everything is experimentation.

A lot of us have this deep-seated fear that bad things will happen if we let ourselves “off the hook.” It's a slippery slope to bad performance or bad work.

What's easy to forget is we actually get better. Not only because what's sustainable is successful, but our "softness” is often the missing piece to making progress. Your energy expands mentally, creatively, and physically when we're less afraid. (Or when we’re hard on ourselves. Fear is the driver in both.)

No parking brake. Just cruise control.

The natural cycle of improvement involves equal parts contraction and expansion, but most of us get stuck in the contraction. The high-effort peaks.

To move from one stage to the next is to gently release the part of you that clings and cringes and criticizes. To relax when your impulse is to tighten. To move forward when your mind wants to circle the drain. To remember you're human and to love the ape-like figure in the reflection.

Catch yourself in these moments and relax.

Forgive yourself, and forgive some more. Keeping forgiving until you're inspired to move.

send it,

Silvi

this week's souvenir

Even when something we read resonates, it doesn't always stick. “This Week’s Souvenir” is an affirmation (or doodle) aligned with this week’s message to help us reset and rewire.