#003: The Game of Desire

a note

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the context

One thing I've spent more time learning than practically anything else in my life:

Getting what you want is wildly overrated.

Let’s backtrack.

Working toward your goals can be a fun and fascinating experience. They're like side quests in a video game.

But most people (myself included) don't see them that way.

For us ambitious folk, goals morph into some kind of narrative we tell ourselves and the world.

Who will I become if I achieve this? What does it mean if I don't? We use goals to make sense of who we are inside.

Our pursuit of goals can reach another stratosphere of intensity when it germinates from an emotional problem.

The kind of problem that, if boiled down, its honest essence would be:

"I'm not enough" or "I am not okay."

Again, we are trained to think:

Do stuff outside to feel good inside.

This is especially prevalent in the personal development or self-help world.

The focus is on taking action.

"Do something to build confidence."

"Build a better version of yourself."

Within the personal development realm, I used to write about this "Wheel of Life" that segments your life into different areas, like your health, career, finances, relationships, romantic life, etc. You evaluate what's "not working" and make improvements.

While this can be a valuable way to organize your life (especially if you need more balance), it isn't much of a recipe for life satisfaction.

With the Wheel of Life, there's the implication that happiness or deep fulfillment is a simple sum of your life's "parts."

We’re gonna go deeper than that.

Let's start with the obvious:

Trying and not getting what you want isn't fun.

But what happens when everything works out? You do the right things at the right time and place. The desperation to feel differently eclipses any resistance. You cross the finish line!

If our goals and actions are fueled by an initial "inner experience" problem (read: "i’m not okay in here”), success stories progress in two interesting ways:

imposter syndrome (i.e. your mind doesn't play along)

You've always felt some form of insecurity around your intelligence, especially at work. But you get some solid advice, and you commit to a track. Day in and out, you're building, sharpening the saw, and you climb. Fast forward to today, you've come a remarkably long way.

But having a high standing at work doesn't feel like you thought it would. Not exactly.

Despite all the external validation (e.g. job title, income, the admiration of people, etc.) signifying you've "made it," you feel like the same person with the same worries, the same (sometimes more intensified) undercurrent of anxiety powering your actions and thoughts.

You're "doing" better than you ever have, but you somehow feel worse.

The narrative: I'm not who the world thinks I am.

Your mind injects self-doubt into everything. Every step feels heavier than the one before. There is a disconnect.

the sandcastle effect (i.e. your mind clings)

Imagine you've created something outstanding, and you're basking in your excellence.

Unlike the "imposter syndrome" people, you feel at one with what you've achieved.

You're healthier and fitter than you've ever felt. You're successfully running a business. You're writing on a hit TV show. You're in love. You're doing what you couldn't have imagined yourself doing a decade ago.

Something is unblocked inside of you, and you feel brilliantly high.

But this is Planet Earth and we, including our feelings, our bodies, our accomplishments, and our relationships, are all subject to the elements of nature.

We start clinging.

We try to protect the proverbial sandcastle from the tide and wind because we've grown attached to its beauty and, more pointedly, the beauty it inspires inside of us.

But it's a losing game. Everything is temporary. Everything fluctuates. There are highs, and there are lows. There is growth, and there is decay.

Even so, we buy into the intoxicating illusion of permanence. That if we try or do enough, it will stay.

Like a drug, we start experiencing diminishing returns.

We use our focus and energy to do more simply to sustain the same feeling.

The self-worth, the confidence, the joy, the love, the inner peace.

By attaching these inner states to the short-lived fixtures of our environment and the world, we've made them conditional.

The feeling exists outside of us, so we can't cut the cord. Otherwise, we lose the feeling.

We all intuitively know we can't cultivate these feelings from the outside in, but we chase them anyway because most of us have not been taught differently.

We mistake the side quests for the real game.

What's the real game we're playing?

Imagine a mental rolodex of snapshots. So many snapshots of moments you’ve experienced in your life, from the very beginning to the present day.

As you rifle through these snapshots, pick a moment or a couple that stand out, where you felt one of the elevated emotions.

You were full of joy. 

You felt deep peace.

You felt special.

You sizzled with confidence.

Try to focus on the visual and sensory details that come up.

The setting, the ocean tide lapping in the background, the salty breeze filling your nostrils, sedating you into stillness. 

The people who were there with you. Their voices, their loving presence, their deep and full attention.

If the snapshot is blurry, that’s okay. 

These snippets are only useful in helping you remember how it felt to exist in your body at that moment. That's the important part.

Did your legs feel boundless and light? 

Was your stomach filled with ease, each breath melting tension in your body? 

Or maybe it buzzed with fizzled anticipation. An electric jolt escapes your heart.

Maybe your heart was so open, your chest felt like it was bursting. All you wanted was to be present and live in this moment for as long as possible.

Close your eyes, and allow yourself to feel that moment. Can you feel it?

The goal is not to recreate the past. (Another losing game!)

The goal of the game is to open the alternative portal to these higher emotions. A more direct and internal one.

If you can "open" the portal for a brief moment, revealing a sliver of light for even a microsecond, you can see that it’s possible.

An elevated way of being is possible without constantly chasing it.

Will you plan, wait, strive, manipulate, and exhaust yourself to make a handful of snapshots before it’s time to call it?

Or will you start excavating and removing the blocks (an exciting challenge for another issue) to this alternative second portal, where you're fully capable of experiencing higher emotions, anytime?

It’s a choice we get to make again and again.

Unlike 99% of other life stuff, you're in control of your awareness.

It's not easy, but as far as games go, it might be the only one worth playing.

See you online,

Silvi

p.s. If you like this way of thinking, this issue was heavily influenced by Michael Singer's work. Check out this book (or this one) if you want to dive deeper. Let me know what you think :)